Go through the means the guy with pride smiles upwards within you from your own cellular phone display screen when he dangles their Connect of the day between your foot regarding his luggage pants-clothed foot! You realize those people purse are just filled with carabiners, hooks, and you can zero-connections! Imagine the cute Boy Lookout you decided to go to primary school that have. Think of how they was in fact very of good use and you may know all the different kinds of tangles? Okay, today photo all of them grown up-up and not wanting in order to Venmo you $250 to own his 1 / 2 of new abortion. Now visualize him ascending to your sunrays, which he calls «nature’s noisy alarms.» Really, I am not sure which is tough.

Nebraska: The newest Armchair Quarterback

You’ve undergone around three (3) coffee dining tables this current year because your boyfriend, an enthusiastic armchair quarterback out-of Nebraska, won’t avoid smashing them in the frustration when their class manages to lose. He categorically won’t accept that the participants cannot hear him regarding their living room and you may, as a result, their blog post-fumble «Come on. » cry was deafening. The Tuesday, without fail, you will be sometimes enjoying your label most of the advisor and you may member an excellent fucking moron, otherwise freezing in the tailgate – never ever at the real game, even in the event. He’ll never ever overcome the only 12 months and then he are almost a third-string walking-towards kicker into the Huskers, and since he covers it all the fresh damn time, none do you really.

Nevada: The new Perma-Bachelor

If only my personal suit match me personally including Bradley Cooper’s did regarding Hang-over, believes brand new Vegas Fuckboy, following living might possibly be complete. There he goes, prowling through the club along with his top undone that option as well of several, slurring their terms and conditions and you can sloshing their martini. Only if they tasted as nice as they appear, the guy wonders to himself. Never ever query your to take out-of his sunglasses, because they are hiding a couple of crusted, bloodshot sight that have been once simple and you will laden with existence. He or she is now a strolling people host, continual in order to their family relations: «You’re going to get hitched? Loser! This is the unmarried existence in my situation, brah!», unsure he’ll end up being condemned to expand a beneficial paunch, assist their high priced match feel tarnished and you can nasty, and be among the Vegas slot machine game grandmothers, thumbing residence towards the machine and you may drinking a two-liter package out of diet Coke, looking to earn the newest award from his destroyed childhood.

“Hey girl, didn’t I view you on Tri-Kap dager a week ago?” was a routine starting gambit of your own New Hampshire Fuckboy exactly who is Steeped However, Embarrassed About this. A good Dartmouth people through and through, he could be the ultimate vision off key-downs, khaki trousers, and a great blazer that is certainly used on formals plus from the his father’s yacht club. Inquire him downright if he is steeped, he’s going to be quick to tell you their nearest and dearest cannot very own an excellent personal spray – it’s simply a risk from inside the a provided G6 anywhere between a number of my personal dad’s company people. And then he does not have any a residence to your Nantucket, it’s just a small fine Asiatisk kvinner summer-house into the coastline around the Obamas’ lay. A fun trick when you need to set him towards put – inquire your in order to pronounce the name from their very costly view (Audemars Piguet) and determine your squirm.

The new Mexico: New Connect

New Mexico, people say, ‘s the house away from spell, a desert in which your journey hopes and dreams may come true. It’s closer to a dirty horror where in fact the guys smell like grime and you may smegma. Your Mexican fuckboy, in the event the he could be away from Albuquerque, would-be much too eager to assist you attractions out of Cracking Crappy – you know, that family you could potentially throw a pizza to, otherwise that amazingly meth hotel – as the that’s all he has. One, with his “I am the one who knocks” shirt (stained), a wide-brimmed cap (cannot match), and Heisenberg cups (in fact a small rigid so they really look inside and leave red-colored, welt-for example indents towards the their lead). In the event that he is regarding Santa Fe, anticipate a comparable but with conversations regarding the Ayahuasca very monotonous you are able to must hurl your self from the high cliffs within Los Alamos.